


Don't Be Silly, Wrap Your Willy

by foulrescent



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Banter, Breakfast Talk, Condoms, Embarrassed Keith, Established Relationship, Lance gives no shits, M/M, Sex Positive, safe sex, shiro Space Dad's so hard, supportive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 10:10:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7636162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foulrescent/pseuds/foulrescent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Princess, where can I buy condoms in space?"</p><p>Keith was just about to fall asleep before he heard that. He snaps his head up, partly because Lance’s voice always demands attention and because space goo gets spat all over his face. The goo is soggy on his cheeks, the stretchiness chewed out and slowly creeping down his face. Hunk, who’s mouth is a momentary Space Goo Gun, isn’t even looking guiltily at Keith, or even ready to apologize, but with a wide mouth and rounded eyes at Lance. Which, considering what Lance just asked – </p><p>Heat fills into Keith’s cheeks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Be Silly, Wrap Your Willy

**Author's Note:**

> JUST FINISHED VOLTRON. THOUGHT ABOUT HOW NEITHER KEITH OR LANCE WOULD'VE BROUGHT SEX STUFF. this happened. 
> 
> All mistakes are my own. If any concepts taken from Voltron are wrong, sorry. Also, I made up a planet.

“Princess, where can I buy condoms in space?” 

Keith was just about to fall asleep before he heard that. He snaps his head up, partly because Lance’s voice always demands attention and because space goo gets spat all over his face. The goo is soggy on his cheeks, the stretchiness chewed out and slowly creeping down his face. Hunk, who’s mouth is a momentary Space Goo Gun, isn’t even looking guiltily at Keith, or even ready to apologise, but staring with a wide mouth, with some green in the dark gap, and rounded eyes at Lance. Which, considering what Lance just asked –

Heat fills into Keith’s cheeks. His cheeks are probably red and he hopes that the green goo is covering the scarlet fever (he’s still not thanking Hunk for spitting on him). He slowly glances along the rectangular table, taking in everyone’s reactions. Pidge’s spoon is half raised at an angle, the metal utensil now emptying her breakfast back into her bowl. She’s staring in amazement at Lance.

Beside her, Hunk’s mouth is still open in shock. At the head of the table, Allura has her eyebrows raised and her lips pursed. She’s staring into thin air, as if she’s contemplating why and _whom_ Lance would need condoms for. Coran actually looks like he’s considering where in the Universe that condoms can be purchased. He looks much too serious. At least they’re not confused. Keith doesn’t even want to imagine what the conversation will be like if the Alteans didn’t know what condoms were.

Behind the pair, Lance has an expectant expression, like he’s just going to get the answer without being interrogated first.

Keith’s so thankful that Shiro’s having an early morning session in the training room.

“Why do you all look surprised that I practice safe sex?” Lance wonders.

“With _who_?” Pidge fires.

“My consenting partner,” Lance smartly answers, a smug smile on his face. Keith slouches into his chair.

Hunk spits the remaining space goo out of his mouth, this time splattering across the table instead of Keith's body. “What.”

Pidge shrieks, “Someone on the Castle?”

“Nah, someone floating right outside.”

“Holy crow!” Hunk shouts, bewildered, “So that sock on your door was – “

“Yup. Technically it was stuck between the door and the wall, ‘cause ya know, these doors don’t have handles. Which isn’t a problem,” Lance amends and then smiles sweetly down at Allura, whom is now looking up at him, “So, Princess, where can I buy condoms in space?”

“No! We still don’t know who you’re having… having… with,” Pidge stutters.

“You can say it. Say it out loud,” Lance encourages, a juxtaposition to when he whispers into Keith’s ear, _say my name. Come on. Say it out loud. You can say it. Please_.

“Sex!” Pidge screams, face grumpy and stomping her feet underneath the table.

The hall’s door slides open, the shout carrying through the doorway and assumingly into Shiro’s ears. His bangs are swept back with sweat, his cheeks flushed from overworking himself. He asks clearly, “What did you just say, Pidge?”

“I don’t know why you’re freaking out so much, buddy. It’s a normal, healthy thing to do,” Lance intellectually says, like he’s informing a class. 

“Oh, yes,” Coran eagerly agrees, “All physical activities give a Paladin an advantage. Intercourse, in particular, helps reduce stress and, in some cases, builds a lot of stamina and, if you’re doing it properly, inspires you to do what feels right in your Lion. Just out of curiosity – Lance, are you engaging in this particular activity with a fellow Paladin? Because this will strengthen the connection of your Lions.”

“ _Well_ ,” Lance drags on, settling into the seat angular from Coran and next to Keith. He puts an elbow on the table and fits his chin onto his palm. He’s facing away from Keith, but his lower back is nudging into Keith’s knee. Keith face palms, the goo squishing under the force of his hand. It splutters around the edges of his hand, unable to stay condensed.

“What on Earth is going on here?” Shiro gasps, scandalized. He’s still standing in the doorway.

Allura clears her throat. “Coran, what were the coordinates for _Dominatrix_? I very much believe that they would still be in production. Maybe not, back then I figured that they had a supplies that would last _ten thousand_ years.”

“Who are you having sex with, man?” Hunk groans. “It’s not me. It’s not Pidge.”

Keith peeks through his fingers.

“Oh, yes!” Coran yells excitedly. He comes to a jazz-handed stand. “I’ll put in an order online and we’ll fly right by and pick it up. This small detour shouldn’t hurt the war against the Galra.”

“What is happening right now?” Shiro tries again. 

“It’s not Shiro, is it?” Hunk whispers. He peeks a glance at Allura. “Is it – “

“Don’t even go there, Hunk,” Allura icily says.

“Don’t tell me you’ve been sneaking an alien ‘round here!” Hunk outrageously guesses.

“How many condoms do you wish to acquire, Lance?” Coran calls out.

“According to you, I guess I’ll need ‘bout a thousand if I want to be closer to the _Red Lion_ ,” Lance comments, like the statement will seep through the cracks in the walls of the Castle, “And lube! Don’t forget that!”

Lance should definitely know how smooth these walls are. He should know that any crack in them is nonexistent. He’s been pressing Keith against them and he’s been pressed against them himself. They’re slippery and neither Paladin can get a good grip. So, Lance shouldn’t be looking guiltily at Keith when everyone else stares at Keith in shock.

Keith sighs.

“When?” Pidge squeals.

Keith shrugs, while Lance answers, “After we discovered that the Castle wasn’t really haunted. Well, after I confidently found out that the Castle was something not to be afraid of, ‘cause the possibility of a blow job in the dark is a better bed time thought than a ghost in the dark.”

“ _Lance_ ,” Keith groans.

“This makes so much sense now,” Hunk breathes out, “Holy crow.”

“Do I have to give you two The Talk?” Shiro shudders, but stands tall.

“Don’t be silly,” Allura reprimands, looking over at Shiro, “Natural magnetic links are already leading their bodies together in the right place. It needs no explanation. I’m surprised that they’ve fought against it long enough to get protection.”

“Whoop! There’s the weird Altean sex!” Lance yells.

He then kisses Keith, dirtying his own face with space goo too. Keith grins.

 

 

 

 

 

As they’re flying in Dominatrix’s atmosphere, Lance and Keith fit comfortably together in a single sofa and watch the odd planet with strange buildings catapult the order of a reasonable amount of condoms and lube at the Castle. Keith leans back into Lance’s chest, fiddling with Lance’s hands that are resting on his stomach. Keith's a little anxious, but he's mostly excited to do something other than suck dick and get his dick sucked, or just grind against another body - even though those things are  _great,_ especially with Lance.

“Are those buildings huge dildos?” Keith asks quietly, not bothering to lean closer to the window to get a clearer look.

Lance hums into Keith’s ear, “Our next purchase.”

“Maybe don’t announce it to the whole gang next time, huh?”

“Funny how you didn’t object to a building dildo being shoved up your ass. It’s a size of a _building_ , Keith.” Somehow, Keith doesn’t know how, Lance’s voice is still sounding sultry and borderline sexy.

Keith huffs softly. “Who says a building is splitting _my_ ass apart?”

“Oh, please,” Lance snorts, hands pressing down Keith’s stomach, to his hips and his lower abdomen, “As if you’d have it any other way.”

“This is a _public_ common room,” Pidge hisses, punching the keys of her tablet harder.

**Author's Note:**

> THANKS FOR READING! kisses :*
> 
> foulrescent.tumblr.com   
> please come say 'hi'.


End file.
